Perceptions

In my prior post I wrote about how stuttering has affected my life. I discussed it in my stuttering therapy class and after it was over, I crushed that paper it into a tidy ball and threw it away. It was symbolic of letting go of that past and creating a new future, to give me what I want.

Since coming to the speech therapy class I have learned a great deal about myself and how I am perceived in the eyes of others. That was always important to me. I would rise and fall with every look, smirk, furrowed brow, etc. I had speech therapy classes in the past but for the most part that was dealing with the physical; the breathing, the air flow technique, etc. Now, I am forced to deal with the psychological that, for me, is unchartered territory. I am learning to tear away the layers from years of embarrassment and shame and finding I have nothing to apologize for. This is who I am.

So now begins my life of creating the outcome I want to see. I am not predicting one hundred percent control because there will be times in which I will lapse into the old me because I have years of comfort there and it has always been a safe haven. But I feel that allowing myself the freedom to listen and heed that inner voice would be good in the long run. I know that I will stutter for the rest of my life but that does not have to be a bad outcome. This is who I am.

Coming to Grips

In the past I have felt that my stuttering was an imposition to anyone listening to me and I would have given anything to avoid getting into the infamous block. Stuttering has been hard for me and it is something that I have really struggled with and have felt ashamed about. Only in the past two or three years have I taken the stance that despite my stuttering speaking is my primary way of communicating with the world. My world is one of presentations, face to face meetings and endless phone calls. This does not mean that I am so comfortable with it that I run out and admit to the world that I stutter. Even though the people to whom I speak know that I stutter, I still have a hard time admitting it to myself.

Maybe I don’t want to be seen as being less than perfect even though none of us will ever achieve that designation. But stuttering is something that, unlike an outwardly physical malady, no one knows until we communicate through our primary mode. After a block, be it mild or severe, I try to collect my words like the shards from a broken glass, hoping I can put them back together again without anyone noticing.

Reading a couple of the chapters from Marty Jezer’s Book “Stuttering: A Life Bound Up In Words” I learned we shared the same habit of picking the right spots in which to join into a conversation. Also, the never ending vocabulary of substitute words I can call on in a moments notice. I am very good at crossword puzzles.

But all this is to say that I know that something happens between the thought in my brain to the time I form my lips, tongue and breath. That’s all I can explain. But even though I know people are understanding about stuttering I am not as patient with myself but I am working on that.

I Do Not Stutter When I Sleep

Creigh Deeds has a problem. He is running for governor of Virginia. But that is not what I’m talking about. His problem is that he stutters. Not only does he stutter but it seems he is reliving the taunts he probably received as a child. Those taunts came from children but now they are coming from adults.


Sheila Johnson, co-founder of Black Entertainment Television (and someone who should know better), mimicked Deeds while at a fundraiser for Deeds’ opponent Bob McDonnell. I’ll save you her quote (it’s all over YouTube) but suffice it to say it was very childish.


I am sure there are times that Mr. Deeds does not stutter. Being a person who stutters I can say that we do not stutter all the time. Aside from when I am sleeping here are a few others:


I do not stutter when I sing

When I was a child I remember that the way in which I could get around stuttering was by singing. Since speech and singing are controlled by different brain functions this is not unusual. My mother had a stroke a few years before she passed away and, although she could no longer speak, she could still sing those hymns she so dearly loved.When I think about those days there was nothing that I would not try in order to stop from stuttering. I tried talking really slow and that only made me sound like I was, well, slow. Another trick was to stomp my foot in order to bogart the words out of my mouth. That worked fine but it also drove the downstairs neighbors crazy. So only within the confines of my house would I sing to my mother when I wanted to say something. This grew old very quickly. I think every mother thinks their kids can do everything exceptionally well, especially sing. But I could see how requesting a glass of water, a cappella, could get under her skin especially when I couldn't carry a note in a bucket.


I do not stutter when I am alone

When I am alone I can carry on the greatest conversations. Never do I trip up on a word or have to resort to any of the things that have gotten me by all these years. It is so relaxing, but I don’t have to tell you that because most of you have no trouble speaking. And those who stutter can understand what I am talking about.It is a time in which I can say anything I want or inject myself into a conversation at any time. Normally, when in a group or speaking to someone individually, jumping into a conversation is something I would have to plan three days in advance. However, the prospect of speaking to an audience of none is not the way I want to spend my life. Besides, I don't want to end up in those places for people who talk to themselves and only to themselves.


I do not stutter when I write

Okay , that one was for comic relief.


I do not stutter when I dream

This one I’m not too sure about. In most of my dreams I am out of breath, and too tired to talk, because I am being chased by a three-story hairball or a talking lobster. I think there is a lot going on here that should be of more concern than stuttering.


I do not stutter when I yell

If everyone on the planet were hard of hearing this would be ideal. I could be real pissed off but no one would be the wiser. In addition, my booming voice would command the attention I so desperately crave. But, I could see this increasing the sales of throat lozenges and throat sprays and those physicians who practice in the ear, nose, and throat specialties would finally get the national exposure they deserve.

So, there are a few of the instances I do not have a problem speaking. There are probably more but Craigh and I will discuss and get back to you.

This I Know

I know at some point during the day I will want to say something and will not be able to make the first word come out. For me, the first word is always the problem. Sometimes it's Mount Everest and others it's flat as a pancake. The problem is that I never know whether I will need climbing gear or flip flops.

If sentences did not have to begin with a first word my life would be much easier. (I can't believe I just said that and really can believe I just wrote that. Anyway, you get what I'm saying ). Words that begin with a vowel or consonant, especially as the first word, are always an adventure. Other than that, its fine.

In a previous post I wrote that I have an extensive vocabulary. This comes out of necessity because I can sense in a instant if I will have to jettison my planned word for something from the archives. If that first word goes smoothly, then I'm off to the races. If not, I will mentally search for a word that is less demanding and pray that it has the same meaning as the one I have thrown by the wayside.

In my quest for fluency one of the most confounding things is the ability to say one word and just five seconds later that same word will not leave my lips. It's as if the word can sense something bad will happen once it hits the atmosphere and does not want to leave the nest. Try as I might to coax it, that "p' sound will not allow my lips to ever part. Just then, I am saved by the synonym dictionary and no one is the wiser; except now for you, so we never had this conversation.

Sometimes the substitute word does not come either forcing me to vamp with a series of "ums" and "ahs" until I can find the right word which may, at this time, be three or four deep. Just imagine the conversation between the speech center of my brain and my mouth:

Brain: I'm sending a new word down to you.

Mouth: Sorry, I don't like it already.

Brain: But you don't even know what it is!

Mouth: Hey!, the lip muscles are not cooperating and I'm not going to force something on them. I need something with a softer first sound.

Brain: Searching, searching . . . aha, here it is.

Mouth: Okay, let me tell the "ums" and "ahs" they can leave and you word will go through.

That is the very simplistic view of what goes on but the reality is not far behind. So what is the takeaway (again, I love that word) ? I love words but sometimes they don't love me, then they love me again.

Go figure.

The Worst Kept Secret

Every day I wonder what kind of a day it is going to be. What word challenges await and will my secret still be safe at the end of the day. You and I are the only two human beings on the planet who know that I stutter. Aside from the fact that I have posted this blog for all the world to see, I still act as if no one knows.

Delusional, maybe, but that is my story and I'm sticking to it. Besides, if I admit it to it then it must be real. Anyway, I am always thinking up new ways to achieve fluency. I mean, I don't stutter when I'm alone (3/24/08 post) so if I can somehow make myself believe that I am speaking to no one in particular (despite the fact they are standing right in front of me) it will work. I know it is absurd but you have to understand my thought process.


I have been stuttering since I can remember talking but to this day I cannot remember admitting it to anyone. They can probably figure it out for themselves and they are too embarrassed for me to bring it up. So, in basketball parlance, "no harm, no foul." Does that make me ashamed of who I am? Not really. Let me explain. If I stutter and don't acknowledge it then I must be comfortable with it. If I am comfortable with it then you will be comfortable with it, therefore it didn't happen.


In law school ( I do have a law degree but that will be another post) you are taught about syllogisms which is a form of deductive reasoning consisting of a major premise, a minor premise, and a conclusion. Take a look at this example from About.com:


Tim Russert reminded George W. Bush, 'The Boston Globe and the Associated Press have gone through some of their records and said there's no evidence that you reported to duty in Alabama during the summer and fall of 1972.' Bush replied, 'Yeah, they're just wrong. There may be no evidence, but I did report. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been honorably discharged.' That's the Bush syllogism: The evidence says one thing; the conclusion says another; therefore, the evidence is false."


Keeping with the Bush logic, if you hear me stutter but you don't say anything, then I didn't stutter because you did not say anything about it. That is the kind of logic that can make your eyebrows hurt. But that eyebrow pain is something I have learned to live with on a daily basis.

So, what is the "takeaway" ( I love that word)? If you don't tell anyone, I won't have to deny it, therefore it never happened.