I'm Confused

When I first went to a weekend therapy class for stuttering many years ago, we were told what we were suffering were laryngeal spams. The larynx would, for some unknown reason, cease its normal function thereby creating the gap between the words coming from the brain and proceeding through the vocal cords and finally, speech. I always had a hard time with this explanation. If the larynx would go into spasm only during speech what would cause it to do it at random times?

Another is the one I call the new wave because it involves brain function. This one states that the part of the brain that involves speech has some disconnect with speech patterns. A very official picture of a brain scan shows the speech area in red, like a fire. That got my attention but I still don't know what is going on up there.

There was one drug, pagoclone, that was first used as a treatment for anxiety. Before it totally failed as an anxiety drug it was noticed that a number of patients taking pagoclone for anxiety also stuttered. However, when they were on pagoclone, their stutter improved drastically. The drug went through two rounds of testing to good reviews, however, there is no information as to where it now stands.

So it's either the spasm or the brain issue. Maybe it's both or neither. I'm confused.

I Remember That

I listen to people intently and remember details about the even the most innocuous conversations. I need to remember things so that when the time comes I can work them into a conversation. Those things with which I am most comfortable allow me to stutter less.

I have this gift for remembering a lot of things in addition to daily conversations. When I was a child I watched television to see if there was something I was missing with regards to my speech. Was there something that, by watching others, I would be able to correct? I would look intently at movement of their mouths, their mannerisms, how they held their heads while talking or any little thing that I could use in my daily life. I guess any space alien would do the same. The episodes of many shows passed through my brain that I can recall with pinpoint accuracy as to the storyline, characters, and even the names of gaffers and key grips. That's scary.

Even so, there was nothing I could physically see what I was doing wrong except watching entirely too much television. But it was a way for me to escape my reality for the fluent fantasy life of television. I could immerse myself into a an episode of Gunsmoke, My Mother the Car, or Burke's Law and not have to say anything to anyone. The characters would talk and all I would have to do is listen and not have to answer. This was my escape into a world in which I could be at ease at any time, not having to be burdened by speech.

To this day I still watch a lot of television but not as a lifelong research project. Occasionally I lapse into my analysis mode but I quickly snap out of it. I don't want to miss anything on Family Guy.

I've Been Here Before

I often think about what it would be like to be fluent all the time. In one of my previous posts I lampooned the fact that in order to jump into a conversation I would have to plan it three days in advance. However, by the time I would be ready, the conversation would have moved on and I would be stuck with this perfectly timed but incongruous phrase.

In the Albert Brooks movie, Defending Your Life, the premise is that when you die you go to "judgement city" where you are put on trial to explain certain parts of your behavior that have been reduced to video clips. If you are successful, you move on to a more advanced life form and if not, you go back to earth to do it again.

Maybe I've been on this earth before and, not having been successful enough the previous times, the people from "judgement city"put the stuttering monkey on my back as a final hurdle to see how I would handle it. This might be the final exam that would move me onto the next phase of my existence.

Speech is essential to the things we deal with on a daily basis and, although my stuttering is not as severe as some, it is still something I must confront daily. That means from the time I awake I know I will stutter and perhaps I may win more daily battles than I will lose. So maybe if I can keep the score close in my favor the people from "judgement city" might take is easy on me.

Myths

If you look on this page and read my bio you will see that I have been stuttering from the time I learned to talk. There are many reasons for the causes of stuttering but the one with which I am most familiar is the one my mother told me.

I am left handed (well, ambidextrous really) and my mother told me that when my grandmother, being very old world and old school, noticed this she took it upon herself to break me of my left handedness. So the story goes, I resisted that change and as a result came the stutter. I don't know if Grandma hit me with the evil eye but the upshot was that I would never talk the same again.

When I was growing up I had a friend, George, who lived down the street. As fate would have it, George stuttered too so we got along well. One day I asked the question, "did your grandmother try to make you right handed also? Is that why you stutter?" He looked at me like I had three heads with an ear protruding out of each forehead.

So, I went headlong into the story about the genesis ofmy problem and, I assumed, his too. My story was met with a quizzical look and then a quick dismissal. George didn't believe this could happen and it was never discussed again.

Did I believe that story? I guess you could say that I did because it was my only frame of reference. Some people didn't know why they stuttered but I knew its origins and I felt safe within this story. My mother was just trying to protect her baby boy from one of the uncertainties of life. No one knows for sure the root cause of stuttering. Experts have an idea, perhaps some childhood trauma somewhere along the line, but it is all a crap shoot.

I believe that is why there are a thousand so called "cures" for stuttering but you will never see any advertising for them on this blog. There are therapies that claim a 100 percent cure rate. I would have to be pretty naive to think that stutterers, even though we have a hard time getting words out, don't communicate with each other. It may take some time but we do. Anyway, if there was a cure with a 100 percent certainty we would know about it and use it and you would never see this blog or another ad for a stuttering cure again.

But we all know that isn't true because stuttering is the easiest to treat and the hardest to cure which is why I write this blog. Hopefully, this will present stuttering in a different light. I make no excuses and I have no cures. All I can impart are those things that have worked for me and if you have any comments about something I missed, do not hesitate to let me know or call me out on it.

Affinity Group

We all want to align ourselves with someone or a group with whom we have somthing in common in an attempt to make ourselves feel more comfortable with who or what we are. There are credit cards with your alma mater, AARP, or Disney logos or one of the other many designations showing that you belong.

We have our own affinity association known as "stars and other important people who stutter."

Bruce Willis, James Earl Jones, Tiger Woods, John Stossel, and Carly Simon are a few of the celebrties that you might not know who stutter. Now when I have the unfortunate circumstance of a stuttering block the first thing I begin to assess is ,"what would Bruce do." I figure that anyone who would not stutter in one of the many stressful situations Bruce Willis has encountered as John McClane in Die Hard, Die Hard 2, and Die Hard with a Vengeance, has got to have this thing licked. Wait! It's only a movie and in real life he probably would have been trying to put into practice what he had learned from speech therapy and Simon Gruber (brother of Hans Gruber from Die Hard) would not have taken him seriously as a hero. Mr. Mclane, what is this breathing you are doing, and why are you talking so slowly?

The truth is that we all want to have someone that we can look to. Someone who shares our condition, someone we can relate to. Just seeing what these individuals, among others, have done in their lives despite the fact they stutter, or did so in the past, is commendable. So the next time you hear someone struggling with their words, think of James Earl Jones or for that matter Moses (why do you think he told God he was not up to the task). And don't you dare laugh because you might hear the voice of Darth Vader or God.