This I Know

I know at some point during the day I will want to say something and will not be able to make the first word come out. For me, the first word is always the problem. Sometimes it's Mount Everest and others it's flat as a pancake. The problem is that I never know whether I will need climbing gear or flip flops.

If sentences did not have to begin with a first word my life would be much easier. (I can't believe I just said that and really can believe I just wrote that. Anyway, you get what I'm saying ). Words that begin with a vowel or consonant, especially as the first word, are always an adventure. Other than that, its fine.

In a previous post I wrote that I have an extensive vocabulary. This comes out of necessity because I can sense in a instant if I will have to jettison my planned word for something from the archives. If that first word goes smoothly, then I'm off to the races. If not, I will mentally search for a word that is less demanding and pray that it has the same meaning as the one I have thrown by the wayside.

In my quest for fluency one of the most confounding things is the ability to say one word and just five seconds later that same word will not leave my lips. It's as if the word can sense something bad will happen once it hits the atmosphere and does not want to leave the nest. Try as I might to coax it, that "p' sound will not allow my lips to ever part. Just then, I am saved by the synonym dictionary and no one is the wiser; except now for you, so we never had this conversation.

Sometimes the substitute word does not come either forcing me to vamp with a series of "ums" and "ahs" until I can find the right word which may, at this time, be three or four deep. Just imagine the conversation between the speech center of my brain and my mouth:

Brain: I'm sending a new word down to you.

Mouth: Sorry, I don't like it already.

Brain: But you don't even know what it is!

Mouth: Hey!, the lip muscles are not cooperating and I'm not going to force something on them. I need something with a softer first sound.

Brain: Searching, searching . . . aha, here it is.

Mouth: Okay, let me tell the "ums" and "ahs" they can leave and you word will go through.

That is the very simplistic view of what goes on but the reality is not far behind. So what is the takeaway (again, I love that word) ? I love words but sometimes they don't love me, then they love me again.

Go figure.

The Worst Kept Secret

Every day I wonder what kind of a day it is going to be. What word challenges await and will my secret still be safe at the end of the day. You and I are the only two human beings on the planet who know that I stutter. Aside from the fact that I have posted this blog for all the world to see, I still act as if no one knows.

Delusional, maybe, but that is my story and I'm sticking to it. Besides, if I admit it to it then it must be real. Anyway, I am always thinking up new ways to achieve fluency. I mean, I don't stutter when I'm alone (3/24/08 post) so if I can somehow make myself believe that I am speaking to no one in particular (despite the fact they are standing right in front of me) it will work. I know it is absurd but you have to understand my thought process.


I have been stuttering since I can remember talking but to this day I cannot remember admitting it to anyone. They can probably figure it out for themselves and they are too embarrassed for me to bring it up. So, in basketball parlance, "no harm, no foul." Does that make me ashamed of who I am? Not really. Let me explain. If I stutter and don't acknowledge it then I must be comfortable with it. If I am comfortable with it then you will be comfortable with it, therefore it didn't happen.


In law school ( I do have a law degree but that will be another post) you are taught about syllogisms which is a form of deductive reasoning consisting of a major premise, a minor premise, and a conclusion. Take a look at this example from About.com:


Tim Russert reminded George W. Bush, 'The Boston Globe and the Associated Press have gone through some of their records and said there's no evidence that you reported to duty in Alabama during the summer and fall of 1972.' Bush replied, 'Yeah, they're just wrong. There may be no evidence, but I did report. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been honorably discharged.' That's the Bush syllogism: The evidence says one thing; the conclusion says another; therefore, the evidence is false."


Keeping with the Bush logic, if you hear me stutter but you don't say anything, then I didn't stutter because you did not say anything about it. That is the kind of logic that can make your eyebrows hurt. But that eyebrow pain is something I have learned to live with on a daily basis.

So, what is the "takeaway" ( I love that word)? If you don't tell anyone, I won't have to deny it, therefore it never happened.

Don't Pay The Ransom

It's been a while since my last post and while you may have thought I abandoned my writings or was kidnapped, the truth is that I just did not have the zeal for it. I know that is a lame excuse but it is true.

So what is it that made me come back after a year? I was looking for my writing to cure my stuttering and when it didn't I became frustrated and left. That was the way I dealt with a lot of my frustrations in the past. Quit, and leave it alone. If I come back fine but if I didn't, what the hell.

For those of you who are new to my blog I suggest that you read my past postings. Anyway, I am back. Look for more posts soon.