Coming to Grips

In the past I have felt that my stuttering was an imposition to anyone listening to me and I would have given anything to avoid getting into the infamous block. Stuttering has been hard for me and it is something that I have really struggled with and have felt ashamed about. Only in the past two or three years have I taken the stance that despite my stuttering speaking is my primary way of communicating with the world. My world is one of presentations, face to face meetings and endless phone calls. This does not mean that I am so comfortable with it that I run out and admit to the world that I stutter. Even though the people to whom I speak know that I stutter, I still have a hard time admitting it to myself.

Maybe I don’t want to be seen as being less than perfect even though none of us will ever achieve that designation. But stuttering is something that, unlike an outwardly physical malady, no one knows until we communicate through our primary mode. After a block, be it mild or severe, I try to collect my words like the shards from a broken glass, hoping I can put them back together again without anyone noticing.

Reading a couple of the chapters from Marty Jezer’s Book “Stuttering: A Life Bound Up In Words” I learned we shared the same habit of picking the right spots in which to join into a conversation. Also, the never ending vocabulary of substitute words I can call on in a moments notice. I am very good at crossword puzzles.

But all this is to say that I know that something happens between the thought in my brain to the time I form my lips, tongue and breath. That’s all I can explain. But even though I know people are understanding about stuttering I am not as patient with myself but I am working on that.